Little letters worth the postage

 

 

I am riding a meme wave back from Kristin's blog Wanderlust.

Her bloggie buddy Marie Claire started it. I am going with the premise that a meme is an idea gone viral. Not sure how viral this is, but it could be - so try it. The idea is to write little letters to inanimate objects or pieces of flesh. Here goes mine:

Dear Newspaper:

Why is it that you cost a monthly chunk, get thrown in my shrubs, arrive early on weekdays and late on Saturday mornings, give me tonnes of extraneous crap to ingest, and sad stories to add to my tears, use and abuse me, refuse to print my letters to the editor - but I still crave you like some crave their 4:20?

M.

 Dear knit books,

Will you please, for the love of the goddess, stop teasing me with all your knitty little yarns about how lucious my life will be if I knit up your patterns, your cute hats, your witty sweaters, your retro purses....I have enough  unused wool now to cover up Lake Ontario in a large cozy afghan or many many many crocheted potholders, and I really am not inspired by that.

sincerely,

your knitty pearl

M.

Dear facial hair,

just don't, ok?

M.

Dear Coffeemaker:

We spent a lot of $$ on you and all we get is crappy, muddy coffee on good days, and a gunked up built in grinder on most days. Why we thought the built in grinder was so fantastic I will never know, you do stop some conversations from ever happening or blossoming out of control for the loud noise, I am grateful for that, but I resent how indiscriminate you are about it. I know you are hurt by my negligence and my recent use of a single filter and kettle, but until you start performing at a higher level, a girls gotta do what she's gotta do.

M.

Dear Furnace

I know you are not on right now, I can tell by my numb appendages,  and I know that tis the season for a heating sabbatical, but it is durn cold right now, so could you please tell that man who gleefully shuts you down the first signs of spring (snow melting) that his eagerness to save a few dollars has blinded him to the ice on his bedroom wall? and his wife?

you warm my heart, could you warm his?

M.

Dear Canada:

If you rely on fresh new  immigrants to be the builders of this nation, claim a proud multicultural reality, and if you have said sorry about your treatment of first nations people - can you let me in on your insistence that immigrants white-up as soon as they can say, oh, I don't know, how about ... "residential school" ?

Just asking,

M.

Dear Wardrobe:

could you let up on the black already, or variances of white and black (grey) I know they all match but matching isn't the only thing... even if someone's mother only approved of clothing purchases if you could name at least 3 things they could match with...that mom isn't with us anymore, she's mixing and matching in her own closet, so ignore her when she comes over, K? and really, I know you are scared of resembling an eighties flash-dance cast or the Partridge family, but honestly, you think I'd let that happen?

do you? -

M.

Dear male appendages encased in boxers:

We have four sets of you, but I am singling out the 3 sets in the uncircumcised version. You think you can play the uncircumcised card and just pee willy nilly all over bathroom surfaces without repercussions? wait for it.  though I am against circumcision as a principle, its only because there is no sound principle behind it, but now, I may have found one...

M.

Dear centipedes,

I know you are not inanimate objects, but I can make you into one between the wall and a shoe, so get lost and, by the way, sending the scape-centipede into the kitchen jug to be microwaved to its death in a sea of milk was not something my oldest son found amusing, in fact he has taken himself off hot chocolate until further notice. Recall the sucking sound of the vaccum cleaner? look behind you...

M.

- Queen of all two-legged insects