Internal Bikini

Well, its bikini season...or soon to be in the mid-driff of the Northern Hemisphere. Every year i get out some bikini i found on clearance in a cloud of optimism, and imagine that possibly, this year, if i do more power yoga walking running and say NO to donuts...then maybe when we go to Florida in March, or perhaps this summer by a lake or our pool, I could wear this thing...its so darn cute it is.

ok. why do I need to wear a bikini? When i went on honeymoon with my husband of now 16 years, to the beaches of the Aegean Sea in Greece, i never wore one, ever. I wore a one piece - and I was 25...and actually had the body that could pull off wearing a bikini. I was not necessarily modest - I just remembered trying one of my friend's on as a teenager and my dad thought it looked terrible, or at least thats what i thought he meant. Funny huh? I never seemed to take his advice if i didn't agree with it - but this, i quietly stored inside and accepted it as God's truth.

So to wear one now, seems like a rebellion against this poorly given commentary - like a reclaiming of what was lost, what I mis-spent in a one-piece, what i never could enjoy - the beautiful body that i never thought I had - and to feel the cool of the water against my belly - before its too late - and too-late it is getting!

My body has created and fed three darling children, loved and touched many. It has swam and ran and hiked and biked and canoed and skied and cooked and baked and painted and gardened and created. It has loved my husband and children. It has turned 41 -  i have wrinkles and spots and and a belly - my thighs are pocked...I feel all used up  - as my friend Kendra says. Who do I think I am trying to wear a bikini in a month's time - anytime? What will I prove, or what will I gain if I manage to do it? Will it just reveal how taken in I am by our culture of eternal youth, by the gloss ads, the still prevalent idea that a woman's worth is in the beauty of her body - as a pleasing picture for others to enjoy?

I have come a long way. My journey has not been easy. But my body brought me here, faithfully carrying me along to this moment. It has been a witness to all of my life and bears the moments in topographic memory. My body has been good to me. But I know my worth is far beyond my body - and as I age, this is becoming more and more true.

As I concede that the aging woman in the mirror is indeed me, I am delighted to discover that something within this body is growing larger, stronger - entering a room steps before my body does. As the body fades, our spirits can become brighter...the picture we are for others to see is more and more about the inside picture, the visions we dream, the things we've accomplished, the way see the world with newer, wiser eyes, the photographs of our life spent - all seeping through and greeting another in our crinkly smiles, our well-practiced hugs, the electric energy blazing through our eyes - we turn our insides out and wear them as our new adornment, all the clothes and make-up and our aging bodies  fade away for the brilliance of our spirits.

Now that reclaims a youth mis-spent in a onepiece . . .  its like an internal bikini....with donut benefits.